Psychologist: 'We are used to joking about sex, not talking about sex'

Matías Stuber

Thursday, 27 February 2025, 20:22

There is a scene in the French film Amélie (2001) in which the protagonist, looking out over the rooftops of Paris, asks herself: "How many people are having an orgasm right now?" The film then proceeds to show, in a sequence of several short shots, couples reaching the longed-for climax. Each in their own way. The last orgasm of the sequence, for example, ends in a gentle smile. Amélie, satisfaction spreading on her face, notes: "15."

It is also happening right now, as you are reading this: in the neighbourhood or in the street. Even in your own home. Yes, right now.

Sex is everyday life, something that, although not vital like air, generates well-being and increases happiness. It releases a rush of dopamine, an average of 20 seconds of intoxication for women and slightly less for men. Yet, it is approached in a strange way, as something that requires you to be self-conscious. Maybe this is due to the abundance of reflections sex casts about other aspects of our lives: absence, unhappiness, dissatisfaction with our own bodies, with our relationships or even with our own lives.

Alba Povedano, 35, is a clinical psychologist and sexologist, who helps people have more satisfying sex practices and lives in general. "Sex is much more than what we have in our heads," she says in a conversation that goes beyond the expected topics. How easy it is to talk about sex, without blushing, with someone who is not part of your social circle.

 - Sex, what's that? 

-Sex is so much more than what we have in our heads. Apart from an act that people can understand as shared, it is also an act of self-discovery. It is about understanding what I like and what I don't like. It's knowing what kind of people I might like, what I'm attracted to, what my fantasies are and how I relate based on how I've been brought up.

 -Sex is everywhere. Does that mean we talk about sex in the same way that we approach every other topic? 

-I don't think so. We are used to joking about sex, not talking about sex. We brag about sex and lie about sex. People don't have sex four, five or six times a week. That is a lie. We are used to lying about our sexuality because of social pressure and the stigma that still hangs over sex.

 -Is there a direct connection between sexuality and mental health? 

-Of course. Often, when this question is asked, we think of relationships per se. But sexuality encompasses everything we do from birth to death. It accompanies us through all periods. We talk about many things. The discovery of the body, self-esteem, how I relate to others, menstruation, ejaculation, menopause... How can all this not be linked to mental health?

 -What counts as good sex? 

-By definition, it has to do with satisfaction. Good sex will be anything that satisfies us on an individual level, which has a lot to do with self-awareness. It goes from knowing myself, knowing what I like, how I like it and to being able to communicate that to my sexual partner.

 -The concept of communication appears in sex talk all the time, to the point where it almost sounds like a cliché. How important is it? 

-All good sex is about communication. I don't care how cliché it sounds. All couples who come to me, and all those who wouldn't, have communication problems.

 -Why is it so hard for us to talk? 

-The problem is in our roots, in our education. Sex is a very restricted subject - something we've experienced ever since we were little. Who doesn't remember watching a film with the family, seeing a sex scene and noticing that everyone would like to change the channel. We have to work much harder on this, we have to get rid of many taboos. Therapy can help a lot in this field.

 -We live in a society where it seems that everything must always be optimised. Does sex need to be optimised too? 

-What is optimising sex? Having more sex even if you don't want it... It can't be that. I do think it can be improved as we become more open to discussing it, so that's definitely a positive thing.

 -Many couples experience the drop in sexual encounters with time. Are we doomed to loathe each other? 

-Sex is something that goes through changes, just like the human being itself. When I meet someone and I'm in the process of falling in love, it actually feels like being on drugs. My body, through hormones, asks me for sex with that person. When you have been with your partner for a long time, the sex desire will decrease. Our body and brain adapt. Sex decreases, but I don't agree that it loses importance. The experience of couples is also not spared change. There are periods when you don't even want to see your partner, while other times you are just there and that's it, and then you suddenly fall in love with the same partner again. People need to keep that in mind.

 -How do we create desire? Is it good for us to schedule sex like we do a visit to the gym? 

-One of the biggest causes behind low sex drive is stress. What we have to do is delegate our time in a way that allows us space for ourselves. We have to work on pleasure in all aspects of life. Sex itself is not a primary need. It is not like eating or drinking water. Sex does not come from there. I am not in favour of scheduling sex as such, but I am in favour of scheduling affection. Scheduling a two-hour date, for example. It means being together. It doesn't need to lead to sex, but if it ends with it, all the better.

 -Does heteronormative sex still dominate the collective imagination of sexuality? 

-Yes, 100%. Unfortunately, that's the way it is. Many men come to me with a lot of expectations about how they should perform in bed. Being able to then dismantle that is one of the greatest satisfaction I get. There is a pressure created by assumptions about what a sexual relationship should be like that, which generates issues.

 -Porn is to blame? 

-A lot of guilt, yes. We deconstruct the man and then we find women who only want penetration. There is so much work still left to do here... If a woman only wants penetration, I'm pretty sure she doesn't know herself well enough, but that doesn't mean that she shouldn't like penetration.

 -Two naked people in a bed, staring at each other. What does it suggest to you? 

-It could be sex. What it certainly is, however, is intimacy. If I look at you with desire and some intention... Then it's sex. We know that there are looks of 'I love you' or looks of 'Something is happening here', which enters a more erotic sphere.

 - Is sex a dialogue without words? 

-It could be, yes. As long as it's consensual, of course. However, there are things that should be discussed beforehand, so that one knows where boundaries are drawn. Once this is established, a lot of things can be communicated during sex without words. Same goes for the moments after sex. There is care to be shared after having an orgasm, as the emotional charge is strong.

 -What weight do you give to masturbation? 

-For me, it is the beginning of every human being's sexuality. I think it is essential and vital. If masturbation allows self-discovery and sexual development, I don't understand why we should restrain it. Nor do I understand why it should be put on the back burner once we enter into a relationship with someone.

 - Is sex in a non-normative couple still frowned upon? 

-We've made some progress. A little bit... But only in the context of sexual relations, as non-normative relating in general is not widely accepted. Society sees relationships as a set of two. Imagine going to a restaurant and booking a romantic dinner for three or seeing three people in the street holding hands and kissing.

 -Each generation has its own sex education. Which is the one of the moment? 

-I would say it is the one of access to pornography. Young people have always been complicated, regardless of the generation. Our generation was no less problematic than the youth of today. I mean, we used chocolate to imitate our parents smoking cigars. Wasn't that problematic?

 -Hypersexualisation has put an end to erotica? 

-Totally. Unfortunately, we have fallen victim to the explicit.

 -What would you recommend to improve our sex life? How can we experience a sexual rebirth? 

-I recommend that we read more, that we understand more about how our bodies work. If you lack ideas, visit an erotic shop. See what you can do to change the usual dynamics.

 -Should sex education be in the classroom? 

-I wish. I wish... That's my answer.